I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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