watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
