just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Everything about him screamed your future.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
