got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Randomize
