Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
