the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
