Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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