the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
