Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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