Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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