I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
