Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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