There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
