I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
