I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize