How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
