I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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