THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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