between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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