I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
