Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
