Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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