I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
