i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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