If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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