sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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