2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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