got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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