You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
