he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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