just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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