Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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