My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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