This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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