Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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