I am in a vortex of obligation.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Randomize
