On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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