you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize