I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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