Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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