So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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