my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
