Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
