I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
