It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
