My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
COCAINE IS GR8
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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