I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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