i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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