My first STD was from a foam party
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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