so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
