What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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