wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize