Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
