Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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