I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
