last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
