I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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